My life: A visitor's guide

Some things the Secret Knitter ought to know before he arrives tomorrow:

• No need to fire up the stove or even pack your griddle. Eggs will fry right on the 104-degree sidewalk.


• The house that you will see tomorrow is the clean version, all appearances to the contrary.


• Usually we bow and offer blood sacrifices to our HD plasma television before retiring, but we are suspending those services in deference to your anticipated sensibilities.


• The dozens of small, hard rubber balls scattered at strategic locations underfoot are not actually intended to cause injury; they are "pretend Easter eggs."


• There are ginormous mutant moths plastered on the outside of the house:
  
  Polyphemus silkworm moth, about 5.5 inch wingspan
  
  We do not think they will try to mate with humans.


• Noel will transform random bits of TV dialogue and commercial jingles into similar-sounding popular songs, with or without requests.


• Cady Gray has underpants. Please be advised: Cady Gray has underpants.